Let me tell you a story about a wall made of glass. It’s thick and transparent, you can see the whole world through it, you can hear them, you can even love them. With all your heart, even if they can’t reach out to you, so you’re always alone. It happens, you know?
We make it happen.
Sometimes, when you love someone with all your heart, they become your whole world. One person is given the keys to your happiness, he or she becomes the guardian of your inner peace. So they can destroy your life, without even knowing. It is insane to risk so much, you know?
We’re doing it anyway.
My favorite person lives beyond a thick, transparent wall. I can’t reach him and he cannot hear my voice. My love cannot melt a stone and my sadness is invisible to him. Tenderness collides with the sharp edges of his wall and turns into anger. And that’s not love, you know?
We are co-dependent.
Sometimes, by the grace of God, I’m given a small, a very small window into the wall. That’s when I cry. That’s when my defenses are falling and my heart aches for him. That’s when I tell him how precious he is to me. That’s when I convince myself that he really means when he says “I love you”. That’s when I get mad and I call him names, I hurt him, I cheat him, I push him away. It is ironic, you know?
We waste the little, precious time we still have.
“-So, now, when we could be happy, you get mad. I swear I cannot understand you!
-Don’t touch me! I can’t stand it! Let me alone, I really hate you!
-Because…I needed you so much and you created a wall between us. And now you want to hold me and to love me and I…I’m suffocating! I can’t take the chance, I can’t be vulnerable again.
-So you don’t love me, right?
-Oh, if you only knew…your love was like air to me. You took that away…
-You know how busy I am! Now I have a little time and you reject me. What am I supposed to understand?
–Nothing…just leave me alone…”
I couldn’t breath without his love, I still can’t. Heartbroken and lost…is there any other way of being in love? Could we breath again, even if every single breath hurts like hell?
My favorite person lives beyond a wall. It’s thick, but it’s not transparent anymore. It became blurry from my desperate attempts to climb over, to scratch the edges, to gasp for air…And, beyond fear, anger or desperation, even beyond my BPD, or his narcissistic way of loving me, there’s a sad part too, you know?
We don’t have the tears anymore. To polish its surface…
The source of the picture: https://www.verywellmind.com/cleithrophobia-2671737